BIG LEGS AND RAINDROPS

We went to a football game last night. Will is a big Steelers fan. His Dad is from Pittsburgh and Will has been a fan all his life as a tribute to him. I’ve never been to an NFL game and it has been a long time since Will has attended a football game as a fan vs. a sports reporter. I was all for it because I love to travel and I love to try new things. I even bought a Pittsburgh shirt. Do I know anything about them? No, I don’t.

We set out for Charlotte around noon. We had a room reserved at the Marriott right beside the football stadium. Once we got into downtown, we got somewhat lost and so we did what we always do…yell at each other while snatching the directions out of each others hands repeatedly until we finally found the hotel.

Once there, we were directed to park in a huge parking garage. We were told our room was on the 11th floor. So, we got on the first elevator we saw only to realize that it only went up 6 floors. Will shrugged his shoulders, and pressed 6, as if this was an enchanted elevator and we would magically arrive on the 11th floor. I was holding our pillows, which we refuse to travel without, and glaring at him behind my sunglasses.

The elevator was very, very slow. It was one of those clear ones that make you sick as you travel upward. We painfully climbed 6 stories and when the door opened, we were on the 6th floor of the parking garage. Will gave me an astonished look. He couldn’t believe the magical elevator didn’t work. I shook my head at him, and pressed 1.

Finally, we realized that we must enter the actual hotel before we could get to our room. We entered the lobby and were met with an assortment of football fans. The Panther fans were blatantly staring at us and the Pittsburgh fans were all suddenly our best friends. They started calling out, “How are you doing? Go Steelers! Did you have a long trip? How long are you staying?” Will began working the lobby like a politician greeting all of his fellow Steeler fans. Four guys sitting in the hotel pub, who had obviously already consumed a small ocean of beer, yelled for us to join them because there weren’t enough Steeler fans in there. Will yelled back that we would join them shortly, as if they were long lost friends of his.

We got on the real elevator, which had a funny mirror on its ceiling, and headed to our room. It turned out to be great, more like an apartment. It had its own kitchen, living room, bedroom, dressing room, and bathroom. Our view included a large construction site on the ground below and all of the skyscrapers around us. We spent a few minutes studying life below. Will asked me what I thought that skinny dude was doing and I was like what skinny dude, and before we knew it we were discussing where we thought everyone on the street was going and what kind of person they were.

Later on, Will managed to say something to make me mad. I don’t even remember what it was, but I stomped to the other room. My plan was to totally ignore him for a while. However, when I came back in the room with him he was holding our digital camera as close to his ear as possible trying to take a picture of the inside of it. I gave him an incredulous look and he explained that something was itching his ear and he was trying to take a picture of it so he could see what it was on the camera screen. Don’t you hate when you want to be mad at someone and then they make you laugh until you almost pee your pants while you are trying to use your most hurt, mean, I will never talk to you again face?

At this point, we decided to venture out. We got back on the elevator with the funny mirror and laughed like it was the first time we saw it, went back through the lobby and were shouted at by all of our new friends again, and hit the pavement. The stadium was only about a 2 minute walk away. While on our tour, we were greeted by lots of Pittsburgh fans. This huge man with a Pittsburgh jersey on looked right at me and said, “Go Steelers!” What? Oh yeah, I forgot I was wearing the shirt. I needed to play the part. “Woo hoo!” I yelled back.

A man then came over the loud speaker and announced that the Panther cheerleaders, otherwise known as women with large boobs falling out everywhere, were fixing to put on a show in front of the stadium. Will started checking his pockets and asked me where his binoculars were. He is now sporting a lovely new bruise as a result of that question.

Once back in the hotel, I decided that I wanted to find the pool. I don’t know why I wanted to find it because I didn’t bring my bathing suit, but it was a must anyway. We couldn’t find it so I decided to ask an employee. How could I have known that he didn’t speak English? I asked him where the pool was and he looked confused. I started saying poooool really slowly and using my arms to swim like an Olympian mid-air. His response was something like no, no, no. Will stood by laughing. I actually thought I gave a good swimmer impersonation performance. Whatever…

The local news began to give forecast warnings. “The following counties will be hit by thunderstorms”….”um…what county are we in?” “Will, I think you should call the front desk and ask.” No, it’s not going to rain here, they aren’t talking about this county.”

Fast forward….we are now waiting in line to enter the stadium where we are informed that everyone must undergo a pat-down before entering. We notice many men and women wearing latex gloves who are assigned the job of “patting”. I nervously asked Will what they were going to pat exactly. Do they pat everything? Women could hide bombs in their breasts right? While we wait, we discuss all of the things that women could hide…

We survived the pat-down and began the long walk up to the nosebleed section. By the time we arrived, I was panting and in need of an oxygen tank. Enter dark clouds and lightening…a digital sign came on in the concourse that announced fans would not be allowed to enter the stadium as a result of bad weather. I looked at Will, he looked at me. Another “I’m right, you’re wrong” moment for the wife. We ended up having to wait over an hour for the lightening to pass. We were then allowed in and began the long, long, long climb to the top of the stadium. We were only 4 rows down from the top. We found our seats, climbed over everyone already seated, and then of course my seat was by a guy who looked like he needed to be out on the field. His leg was so huge that he had no choice but to rest half of it on mine, which was an uncomfortable thing. Now cue the rain. Large drops of rain, not little drizzle. We became soaked within seconds.

The water was just rolling off of our arms and head. Will looked at me and said, “boy you sure are sweating a lot”. I ignored him. We began wondering how long we would have to sit through this and how uncomfortable we were going to be sitting in wet clothes the whole game. Will tried his “you sure are sweating a lot” joke again. Not funny…

So, we sat. The dude beside me had his gigantic leg on me and all of the rain that was falling on him was now pouring down his head and arms and landing on me. Lovely…

As the game went on, Will rambled endless facts and statistics about Pittsburgh. I nodded and tuned him out. Then an announcement was made that everyone who had a Harris Teeter card should hold it up and yell and jump up and down and the jumbotron camera would find one of them and that person would get a prize. That was hilarious…best part of the game. I just found it unreal the way people acted trying to win the prize. Even Hulk Hogan beside me got out his keys which had a Harris Teeter card/keychain on them and waved it around. Funny stuff…

Then, they announced that a cruise would be given away to a person that the jumbotron found waving their Triple AAA card. Say, what?!! Ok, this wasn’t funny anymore. This was now a serious matter. I was bummed. I didn’t have my card with me. Even though I laughed at the Harris Teeter people, I would have gladly gone in the middle of the football field and done the Macarena for a free cruise. I am bringing it next time, including all my other cards...Ingles, Bi-Lo, Gym, College ID, etc. You never know….

Will decided around the third quarter that we would try to go sit in the lower level since half of the stadium had cleared out. We hiked down and find out that in order to get in the lower level you had to pass through some strict security. So, we stood against a wall and Will kept telling me to look at how fast the speed of the players were compared to college. Uh…yeah, whatever. About this time, a security guard came over and, in a not so nice tone, asked us if we need help finding our seats or what. Will told him that we were just stretching our backs and we headed out.

Back in the room, we were exhausted, but had trouble sleeping in the tiny bed we were given. We discussed the day and tossed and turned until the alarm went off and it was time to head back home. On the long drive back, I informed Will of the long list of reasons he should nominate me for the Wife of the Year Award.