12 WEEKS

People, I look like death. I'm not kidding. The blood vessels in my head are popped from vomiting. I am exhausted from dealing with sickness day in and day out. And I have to return to work Tuesday. I could ask for more time, but I can't afford it.

Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled about the baby! I know I am blessed. But, hear me now. I NEVER WANT TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN! I will be more than grateful for this one gift. It has been terrible. To be so sick for 3 months straight, with no relief in sight...it gets to ya.

What keeps me going is watching the US video. I just love it. I don't think we could have gotten a better view of that precious little baby dancing around in there. I could watch it all day.

If this baby is a girl, I want her to look back on this blog and understand that she may be sick too and to keep fighting. I can't wait for the day when I can post that the nausea is gone. If it's a boy, maybe he will need this blog to help his wife fight through. I don't know if morning sickness/all day sickness is hereditary, but I sure would feel terrible passing this on.

Food is just gross. It is hard to describe, but the taste of ALL food is metallic. Nothing tastes good. Nothing. If I don't eat, I feel guilty that I'm not feeding the baby. If I do eat, it's torture to get the food down and then the sickness is ten fold. I've lost 5 pounds total since conceiving. I've read that some women lose a lot more, so I should be thankful.

I keep reading that all of this may magically disappear once the second trimester hits. I am SO counting on it. It is all I can think about. I have one more week.

I stopped the progesterone pills a few days early to try and find some relief. None found. I haven't had any bleeding since stopping the pills so keep praying that the baby will remain healthy.

My next appointment is 4/9. That is the one where they will be looking for birth defects or genetic abnormalities, and to probably lecture me about my heart. Maybe we will find out the sex!

I can't tell you how guilty I feel complaining about being pregnant after it has been all I've wanted. But, being this sick for this long will make anybody depressed. Imagine the last time you were really nauseated. Now blow that up times ten and feel it 24/7 for 3 months straight. That is my world.

I was going crazy yesterday because I've been cooped up inside this small apartment. I was determined to get out. I went to the beach for about 30 minutes and then to Winn-Dixie. By the time I made it to Winn-Dixie I was in non-function mode. The feeling is kind of like if I move an eyelash, my body will turn on its projectile vomiting signal. Vomiting provides no relief either. It seems to accelerate the nausea into overdrive.

I've had lots of good advice. I've tried most everything. I think that this is just part of it. There is no cure, because it's just how it is. I'm half crazy right now, but I am strong. I know that this will all eventually be a memory and once I hold that baby, I know I will say that I would do it for him/her all over again.

11 WEEKS

I had a follow-up visit with the OB/GYN today. She attempted to let us hear the heartbeat, however, no such luck. BUT, that meant I got another US. Yay! It's a good one and she let us video it with our cell phone. You can really see the baby moving around. Check it out, but ignore the hideous laughing by me!

**Ok, I do not appear to have the appropriate amount of knowledge to get the video to load! See Facebook or email me at cindyvandervort@yahoo.com and I'll forward you a copy. It's SO cute!**

She told me I have to stay on the progesterone another week, which is not an issue. Quite obviously, I'm going to do everything I can do to prevent a miscarriage. At 12weeks, the placenta takes over hormone production so I'll no longer have to take it then.

I'm still overly sick and don't want to eat ANYTHING. My weight today was the same as last week though, so that means I've only lost 3 pounds overall. I do feel guilty not providing the baby with the proper nutrients, but I don't know what to do about it. Food is just absolutely disgusting and nausea added = no way.

I'm very tired. I think I could sleep 24/7, and I have been having the most bizarre dreams ever. I think I've shrank as I'm unable to reach the top of the shower head to rinse the tub out. I can no longer throw my barefeet on the dashboard of my Jeep either. My stomach is in the way! I forget that I'm pregnant sometimes and am reminded quickly when trying to do all the things I'm used to doing.

My next appointment is 4/9. I have to see a specialist regarding a cardiac condition I have (sinus tachycardia, I've had it forever and they want to make sure the meds are ok and working during pregnancy) and they will also screen for genetic disorders because I'm over 35. They can screen, but I will not abort regardless. I agreed to the testing, because they can better treat the baby if they know of any issues ahead of time. Please pray that the baby is healthy and free from disease. I'm not worried.

The baby waved at us during the US. See?



Until next time...Oh, I think I forgot to tell y'all. They changed my due date to 10/12.

10 WEEKS AND GROWING

10 WEEKS

I was 10 weeks yesterday. I'll post a belly picture later. I've had a rough few days. Every day when I wake up, I'm sicker than the day before! It's crazy. I really, really, really have to force myself to eat and drink. Apparently, I haven't been doing a good enough job and ended up back at the doctor's office yesterday.

I did not have any ketones in my urine, which is a sure sign of dehydration, but I have lost 3 pounds since my first OB visit. 3 more anti-nausea drugs were added: Unisom (I know, right?), Reglan, and Vitamin B6.

Let me just tell you. Nothing is working! I am terribly nauseated. I was taken out of work until at least 4/3. While this means, I will be quite poor, this is a blessing because I can't do it anymore. I really can't.

As a result of all this excitement, I did get an unplanned ultrasound! I told y'all wrong. I am not having a bean. I'm having a...



Isn't he/she cute? Don't judge!

The OB/GYN on call attempted to find a heartbeat with the doppler and when I heard it, I started crying only to hear the doctor say, "Oh, that was your heartbeat, not the baby's." Aaaarrrrggghhh!!!

She continued to hunt and couldn't confirm that it was the baby's heartbeat and not mine, so she did an ultrasound. Yay! I could see the heartbeat, and little arms and legs. Just like a turtle. Once she scared the baby and he/she jumped and looked like one of those mexican jumping beans. Way cute!

I have heard from so many friends that I've lost touch with over the years. Please keep writing me. I promise to return your messages soon!

And keep the "stop the nausea" advice and prayers coming. I am miserable and frustrated.

My friends, John and Brian, came up with some unique ways to stop the sickness. I found the following on the internet, which made me think of them.

If Men Were Pregnant:

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.

All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent effectiveness.

Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.

Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.

They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him".

Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.

Women would rule the world!

BLECK

A fellow nurse made this vomit bucket for me. The inspiration? Y'all know I'm sick 24/7. Well, it doesn't disappear just because I'm working and taking care of other sick people. It's a constant. Saturday, after a long shift, I was driving home from work. I was nauseated, but I always am. No biggie. I was going about 65 miles an hour, when I suddenly began projectile vomiting.

I'm not talking about a little bit of throw up. I'm talking gallons of it. I was wearing all white nursing scrubs and there was not a thing I could do, but try my hardest not to wreck. I think I vomited for a full 30 seconds. It was all over the steering wheel, the driver door, my shoes, my face, my neck, and my clothes were absolutely soaked with vomit.

I continued to drive home. What else was I supposed to do? I called Cliff to bring towels to the Jeep after arriving at our apartment complex. I got out and informed him that I was not walking, while soaked in vomit. So, I stripped in the parking lot. Oh yes. Yes, I did. I wrapped myself in a towel, proudly marched through the parking lot, and up 3 flights of stairs and right into my apartment.

Landen met me with big eyes and an "Ewwwww" and I jumped in the tub. I remained sick that night, as always, and got up for work Sunday morning. I relayed my fun drive to my coworkers so one of them made me the "ralph bucket."

A doctor saw the bucket and disagreed that it was the correct choice. "She has projectile vomiting. This is just going to cause it to hit the plastic and bounce right back in her face. She needs to wear a plastic grocery bag around her ears. That way she can vomit, while still driving with two hands!" Well, I can't say it's a bad idea.

Another doctor heard that I haven't been eating. I have no appetite. It's a chore to eat. So he informed me that I needed to start drinking two Ensure's a day. At hearing the word Ensure, my eyes started to tear up, my mouth started to fill with saliva, and it was all I could do not to vomit on the poor, advice giving doctor. I told him to NEVER, EVER say the word Ensure around me again. "Fine!", he said. "I want you to always, always have a bag of trail mix in your pocket. Don't touch it directly. Just pour it in your mouth directly. Every hour, you must do this."

Ha! Oh, dear doctor. You do not understand the job of a nurse on a busy cardiac floor. Eating, drinking, toileting...no time. Eat every hour. Funny, funny. I laughed at my OB/GYN office when they told me the same thing. I even had one doctor tell me to stop running to codes! Bahahaha! "You must WALK only!" That is almost as funny as eating every hour. Real life is not on a schedule.

As sick as I am, I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining. I'm not. I understand that sickness is just part of it. And it's my hope that it's an indication that the pregnancy is healthy. I know how it feels to want a baby more than anything in the world, and hear a new 20 something year old Mom who got pregnant just by looking at her husband, complain about the baby non-stop. That used to really work my nerves. It still does actually.

I think about single mothers who are pregnant. These mothers must work one or two jobs, while chasing a child, take care of a house, and do it all through morning sickness or all day sickness.

What about pregnant women whose husband's are serving in our military? Imagine how hard it must be to be sick 24/7, while you are in constant worry over the safety of your husband.

What about women who are abused? How about pregnant women that are abused? Mentally or physically. I'm here to tell you that it takes the lowest form of a human to abuse a pregnant woman. Not only is the woman being abused, but so is the unborn child. Imagine having a baby with that man. He has already abused your child in the womb. You think he wont abuse the child after he/she is born? Please, please tell the proper authorities and GET OUT! Do not be ashamed. Do not feel like a failure. Society will view these men as the low life scum that they are and they will be handled. Please. Get out of the relationship and make sure they are never allowed to contact you again.

My point is that I understand I'm not that pitiful. I understand that the pay off is more than worth it. I understand that the sickness will eventually go away. But, it is a trying time. I'm exhausted from fighting nausea, day and night, for 9 weeks with no end in sight. I'm a recluse. I don't like to leave the house. I don't want to shave my legs, brush my hair, talk on the phone. I just want to lay still. Well, I don't want to lay still. I am forced. Today, I must go shopping for clothes. I have no clothes to accomodate this ever growing belly. I think I will proudly carry my ralph bucket with me!

Now, I must leave you with a story about my niece, Emily. She is 4.



I showed her a picture of my ultrasound, which as you know is all black with a tiny little white bean. Emily saw it and didn't say a word. She just went on playing. Fast forward a week or so. My sister, Kelli, went to visit her in-laws. She said that Emily informed them Aunt Cindy was going to have a black baby boy. Kelli asked her what she was talking about and she said, "I saw the picture of him!"

9 WEEKS

So goes the old joke:

A little boy notices a pregnant woman in a grocery store.

"Why is your stomach so fat?",he asked.

"Because there is a baby growing in the there.", replied the woman with a smile.

"Oh", the boy said, "then what is growing in your rear end?"

Ha, ha. All in good fun, people. All in good fun. I am in awe over the size of my ever growing belly. At 9 weeks, I would not expect even to be showing. However, I most certainly am. Given the all day morning sickness, I do not eat much. I have to force myself to eat anything at all. I would expect to look more like an anoxeric supermodel than someone who is 6 months along!

I'm not complaining though. I'm really not. I'm just saying I'm surprised. Cliff has a twin aunt and uncle. I have two cousins with twins. I really expected to be having twins, based solely on the magnitude of the all day sickness and the size of my stomach. But, just one baby in there.

Today, for breakfast, I had dry peanut butter Cap'n Crunch and some leftover Mike N Ike's that Landen received as a Christmas present. What? That's not healthy to you? The candy was fruit flavored. Fruit, right? Oh, I know it's terrible. I feel guilty for not eating properly, however, I have to take in whatever I feel I can hold down. It's either that, or no nutrition at all.

I'm taking my prenatal vitamins. Evil, little, constipating things! Did you know that prenatal vitamins now include a separate fish oil type pill? Did you also know the pill is 1000 times bigger than the esophagus can handle?!



Why? "Just shut up and take it. It's good for the baby." Welllll, I'm thinking, it's probably even better for the pocketbooks of the vitamin companies. "We just want to make sure your baby is healthy!" Ok, riiiiight. But, yet, I play along. I take the horrible pills.

And, because I am a 37 year old dinosaur having a baby, I am considered AMA. Against medical advice? Patient's leave the hospital all the time AMA. No, no, no. Advanced maternal age! Ohhhh, now I feel better. Geez. So, because my bones are old and brittle, I must also chew 3 of these horrid things a day.




I'll have to admit, I have only been able to chew one a day, and not even close to every day. They make the all day sickness reach a whole new level. They do NOT taste like chocolate. They taste like chalk.

And what's up with the animal like sense of smell? I mean, I can smell things from miles away. I was gagging at work yesterday, because I could smell the janitor's mop water. It was terrible. I can smell the breath of every coffee drinker. I used to be a coffee fanatic! I can't smell or taste the stuff now. In fact, I can't even think about it. Moving on.

What is up with this picture on the yahoo front page today??? I think all first trimester women should sue! I can't express to you the level of extreme gag reflex response this picture induces. Really. Ugh!




Let's talk rudeness for a second. I'm pregnant. I'm allowed to do all sorts of things. Like, jumping from the topic of beef turned into a bubblegum like consistency to the topic of rudeness. Powerful, huh?

Anyway, back to rude. This is the South. We are known for our respect and manners, correct? Ha! This has been my most asked pregnancy question, which has been asked by females only, by the way, "Did you MEAN to get pregnant????" This question is asked in a tone that a screech owl might use if they could form words. I still haven't figured out a good way to answer it. It. Infuriates. Me. I don't think it's the pregnancy hormones causing the anger either.

People, I have two college degrees, I'm 37, I grew up around farm animals, I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but I have stayed at one, I do believe I'm smarter than a 5th grader, I'm a nurse, and I KNOW how babies are created. I know it's shocking, but I really do know. Judgemental, little, self-absorbed, miserable...Wait. What was I talking about? The hope for world peace, right?

Now, let's go back to happy. Again, that's a benefit of pregnancy. Your mood can turn on a dime and you just don't have to justify it. I'll leave you with this joke.

Once there was a lady from a foreign country who could not understand much English wasn't feeling well and went to see her doctor. After examining her he said, "You are pregnant. Please understand that you have an insufficient passage and if you have a baby it will be a miracle." Then, the lady rushed home crying and told her husband, "The doctor says I'm pregnant and I have a fish in the passage and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel!".

DRUMROLL PLEASE...

I'm pregnant!




Phew. Glad that announcement is over with.

I'll just sit back now and give you time to let it sink in.

All the little birds on jay bird street...love to hear the robins going tweet, tweet, tweet!

Just singing a little song to pass the time. You ok? Ok, me too. Moving forward.

You want to know who the father is, I bet. Or, maybe how far along I am. Or, if I am kidding. Let's start from the top...

I have wanted a child since I was 20 years old. That, my friends, is a LOT of years of trying. A lot of years of crying. Many, many, many, many tears. But, now, my prayers have been answered and this is all surreal. I'm still not sure if I'm dreaming.

I will be 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow. The due date is 10/13/2012. This is me at 8 weeks.




Yes, I look like I'm 3 months. We questioned twins, but only saw one little heartbeat at our first ultrasound.

Here's the father. C'mon down Cliff! You are the next contestant.... Wait. Focus.







Ok, so this is Cliff, with me of course. His mother is Korean. Therefore, I will be having a little Asian child, which I feel right now is a girl. He and I were great friends in high school, went many years without keeping in touch, and then BOOM...we collided again. At full force, I'd say. Now, if you would've told Cliff and I, while sitting in Mrs. Jaegar's 12th grade class, that we would one day be having a baby together we would have LAUGHED. HARD! We are both still a bit perplexed over these unusual circumstances. Perplexed, but HAPPY!

Cliff has a son named Landen. Here's a picture of the little man. He lives with us.




Landen is 8 years old and wide open. He is super smart. He always makes the A/B honor roll. I told him last night that he was going to Harvard. He said he didn't want to go to the sea. I said, excuse me? He said, you said harbour! He is very excited about being a big brother. His only complaint is that he does not want to wait months for the baby to be born. He wants the baby here NOW. Ah Landen, me too. Me too.

Back to the beginning of the pregnancy...many tears were shed, because I had some bleeding off and on. I was put on progesterone (still on it). We had an ultrasound, which I fully expected to show absolutely nothing. In my mind, there was no pregnancy and my initial joy was silly. So, after over an hour wait in the waiting room, I was shuffled back for an ultrasound. After what seemed like forever, the tech said, "I think I see a heartbeat." I went still. Very still. And very silent. What? No way. She's crazy, I thought. She went out to the waiting room to get Cliff while I sat there confused and staring up at hundreds of baby pictures...babies born to the practice. As soon as she got Cliff in his viewing seat, she resumed the ultrasound and there it was....a tiny bean, with a heart beating a million times a minute.




I'm trying hard to describe the feeling of seeing that little heartbeat. It's simply not possible. It took my breath away. I could NOT breathe. You mean me, Cindy, is having a baby? Noooooo. Seriously? Psh. Crazy. I had already resigned myself to never having a child of my own. I dealt with all the years of infertility treatment, hearing friends and families announce their pregnancies, seeing them have their babies, dealing with stupid, stupid advice such as "just relax and it will happen." That Cindy could not possibly be having a baby!

But, yes. Yes, I am. Here I sit with all out morning sickness. People, I have been sick since conception. I was sick before I knew I was pregnant. I am on Zofran AND Phenergan. I am still sick. Am I complaining? NO! I am not. I look at the sickness as proof that the baby is alive and well. My only complaint is that I have to work sick. Yeah, it sounds petty. But, to me, it's torture. Running the hospital floors for 13 hours, while nauseated to no end. It's bad. My hope is that all of this sickness will magically disappear at 12 weeks. Ha!

Stay tuned...I hope to use this blog as a way to document this pregnancy and the happenings of our unique family.

FUN

A very late response to a post I was tagged in by Mike Bonfanti, husband of our own Becky Bandy, for you Hilliard folks. Both Mike and Becky have very good blogs, and they tend to theirs more often than my poor, pitiful, neglected blog. Check Mike's blog out at blackcoffeeandborboun.wordpress.com and Becky's out at magnoliablossom.wordpress.com

Here are the rules:

1.Post these rules.
2.You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3.Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.

**I altered the rules a bit. They called for me to tag 11 other bloggers. Unfortunately, I don't know 11 other bloggers. So, if you are reading this and have been thinking about blogging, get to it! Let me know, so I can add you to the links on my page.**

11 random things about myself:

1.I love menus. All menus. Even if I don't like anything on them, I like to read the entire thing from top to bottom.

2.I once told someone to shoot me in the back with a BB gun so I could see if it hurt. He did. And it did.

3.My hidden talent is my typing speed. I've always wanted to learn to play the piano, because I think if I can type, I could play.

4.I love watermelon and boiled peanuts and eat both until my stomach hurts.

5.I'm a girly girl. I love the color pink, ruffles, pearls, bows...

6.I despise things in clusters. All things. Worms, birds, fish....ew.

7.I own a parrot, who is smarter than a lot of humans.

8.My least favorite thing to do is get up in the mornings. My alarm clock is my worst enemy. HATE it!

9.Once I quit a job being a walking Juniors sales department model at JCPenny to work at McDonald's because I couldn't stand the bordeom of doing nothing all day.

10.I wish I could travel more. If I were rich, I would travel the world.

11.I'm a control freak. I like things done in certain orders. My life has taught me that I am most certainly not in control.

Questions Mike formulated for me to answer:

1.Paper, plastic or recyclable hippie tote? plastic

2.What’s the farthest place you’ve visited from your home? Mexico

3.What is the most amazing thing you’ve ever eaten? When I was a kid, I ate some homemade pasta made by the mother of a friend. I've never forgotten it.

4.If you had to take someone one place in your home town, where would you bring them, and why? The St. Mary's River. Because it's a large part of Hilliard.

5.Where do broken hearts go? To the filing cabinet in the back of your brain, where they periodacally try to resurface.

6.Do you squeeze from the bottom or the middle of the tube of toothpaste? Middle

7.Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi

8.Android, iPhone, Blackberry or other? iPhone

9.Softscrub or Formula 409? 409

10.How many times can you wear a pair of jeans before washing them? Twice

11.Have you ever made a recipe you watched someone cook on the Food Network? No

And there you have it. :-)