9 WEEKS

So goes the old joke:

A little boy notices a pregnant woman in a grocery store.

"Why is your stomach so fat?",he asked.

"Because there is a baby growing in the there.", replied the woman with a smile.

"Oh", the boy said, "then what is growing in your rear end?"

Ha, ha. All in good fun, people. All in good fun. I am in awe over the size of my ever growing belly. At 9 weeks, I would not expect even to be showing. However, I most certainly am. Given the all day morning sickness, I do not eat much. I have to force myself to eat anything at all. I would expect to look more like an anoxeric supermodel than someone who is 6 months along!

I'm not complaining though. I'm really not. I'm just saying I'm surprised. Cliff has a twin aunt and uncle. I have two cousins with twins. I really expected to be having twins, based solely on the magnitude of the all day sickness and the size of my stomach. But, just one baby in there.

Today, for breakfast, I had dry peanut butter Cap'n Crunch and some leftover Mike N Ike's that Landen received as a Christmas present. What? That's not healthy to you? The candy was fruit flavored. Fruit, right? Oh, I know it's terrible. I feel guilty for not eating properly, however, I have to take in whatever I feel I can hold down. It's either that, or no nutrition at all.

I'm taking my prenatal vitamins. Evil, little, constipating things! Did you know that prenatal vitamins now include a separate fish oil type pill? Did you also know the pill is 1000 times bigger than the esophagus can handle?!



Why? "Just shut up and take it. It's good for the baby." Welllll, I'm thinking, it's probably even better for the pocketbooks of the vitamin companies. "We just want to make sure your baby is healthy!" Ok, riiiiight. But, yet, I play along. I take the horrible pills.

And, because I am a 37 year old dinosaur having a baby, I am considered AMA. Against medical advice? Patient's leave the hospital all the time AMA. No, no, no. Advanced maternal age! Ohhhh, now I feel better. Geez. So, because my bones are old and brittle, I must also chew 3 of these horrid things a day.




I'll have to admit, I have only been able to chew one a day, and not even close to every day. They make the all day sickness reach a whole new level. They do NOT taste like chocolate. They taste like chalk.

And what's up with the animal like sense of smell? I mean, I can smell things from miles away. I was gagging at work yesterday, because I could smell the janitor's mop water. It was terrible. I can smell the breath of every coffee drinker. I used to be a coffee fanatic! I can't smell or taste the stuff now. In fact, I can't even think about it. Moving on.

What is up with this picture on the yahoo front page today??? I think all first trimester women should sue! I can't express to you the level of extreme gag reflex response this picture induces. Really. Ugh!




Let's talk rudeness for a second. I'm pregnant. I'm allowed to do all sorts of things. Like, jumping from the topic of beef turned into a bubblegum like consistency to the topic of rudeness. Powerful, huh?

Anyway, back to rude. This is the South. We are known for our respect and manners, correct? Ha! This has been my most asked pregnancy question, which has been asked by females only, by the way, "Did you MEAN to get pregnant????" This question is asked in a tone that a screech owl might use if they could form words. I still haven't figured out a good way to answer it. It. Infuriates. Me. I don't think it's the pregnancy hormones causing the anger either.

People, I have two college degrees, I'm 37, I grew up around farm animals, I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but I have stayed at one, I do believe I'm smarter than a 5th grader, I'm a nurse, and I KNOW how babies are created. I know it's shocking, but I really do know. Judgemental, little, self-absorbed, miserable...Wait. What was I talking about? The hope for world peace, right?

Now, let's go back to happy. Again, that's a benefit of pregnancy. Your mood can turn on a dime and you just don't have to justify it. I'll leave you with this joke.

Once there was a lady from a foreign country who could not understand much English wasn't feeling well and went to see her doctor. After examining her he said, "You are pregnant. Please understand that you have an insufficient passage and if you have a baby it will be a miracle." Then, the lady rushed home crying and told her husband, "The doctor says I'm pregnant and I have a fish in the passage and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel!".