I WANT OFF THIS RIDE

Well, I am sicker than Cooter Brown. Yeah, I know, I know. It's supposed to be, "drunker than Cooter Brown." However, I don't see why I can't be sicker than him too. I've heard family members use this phrase over the years and I've often copied it, but never really knew what it meant. So, at 0445 this morning, while suffering through yet another flu induced fever, I looked it up. I know you've been waiting all your life to hear this. Let me educate you...


"Cooter Brown is a name used in metaphors and similes for drunkenness, mostly in the southern United States. Cooter Brown supposedly lived on the line which divided the North and South during the American Civil War, making him eligible for military draft by either side. He had family on both sides of the line, so he did not want to fight in the war. He decided to get drunk and stay drunk for the duration of the war so that he would be seen as useless for military purposes and would not be drafted. Ever since, colloquial and proverbial ratings of drunkenness have been benchmarked against the legendary drinker: "as drunk as Cooter Brown" or "drunker than Cooter Brown."


Now don't ever say I ain't learned ya nuttin'. I copied the above from Wikipedia, and that right there, is saying something. I mean, Wikipedia knows all, right? You could type in....oh let's say..."How long does the flu last?" You might get a response explaining that the article may be too long for you to "read comfortably." I'm not sure what Mr. Wikipedia is trying to imply, but that's not nice. I don't think anyway.

I am siiiiick with the flu. Sicker than I've ever been in my life? Nah. That was in 2006 when I had the Norovirus. I'd say it's the second sickest I've ever been though. Second sickest is pretty major stuff. I'm tellin' ya.

Yeah, you know I'm gonna tell ya all the details. I'm too sick to sleep. Who else am I gonna tell? So, it all started in the grocery store on Sunday morning. I was on my way home from working all night and decided to stop in to grab a few things. Well, about 10 minutes into my shopping excursion, whilst pushing my cute little mini-buggy, the floor went sideways. You believe that? Sideways! I felt the need to visit the restroom and either pass out, vomit, or just hang out on the toilet a while.

I informed the cashier that I was going to leave my buggy with her for a minute. You think I was gonna risk letting someone steal my coffee, creamer, or strawberries? I wasn't born yesterday. So, off I go to the bathroom just thinking I was probably over-tired from working all night. The visit went longer than expected. I ended up having to leave the store without talking to the cashier again. I am still worried about my buggy. I mean, is it still sitting there? Does it think I am coming back? I abandoned it. Poor thing. Bless it's little heart.

After I got home, I visited the bathroom some more. I guess my toilet was jealous. Then I went to bed and slept most of the day. I had to be back at work Monday morning. I set my alarm for 0500. At 0600, I heard it going off. That is not like me. Oh, it is very like me to hit snooze over and over and over and over and over and over...BUT it is not like me not to hear the alarm.

I felt very "off" as I got dressed. I did take a bath, but I didn't wash my hair...no time. It looked raggedy and pitiful. I realized that my throat was hurting. I sent a couple of texts to my co-workers asking if they had cough drops. I was attending a class and didn't want to cough my way through it. I didn't have time to stop. Y'all just stop me if there are any questions. I know this is just getting more and more interesting by the minute.

Part of the class involved us doing a scavenger hunt around our hospital. Did I mention the hospital is massive? As we made our way through the halls, quickly enough to make visitors think someone was dying, I noticed the floor tilting thing again. I mentioned to my fellow nurses that I was getting motion sickness.

On to lunch...I couldn't find anything that looked remotely good. I knew I had to get something as I had the rest of the day to finish out. Guess what I ended up with? Some cubes of cheese and some grapes. Yes, I felt like a mouse. I was made fun of, stared at, talked about...did I care? No. I sat there and separated my cheese into one pile and my grapes in another and picked my way through lunch.

After class ended, I somehow drove myself home. The weatherman was speaking of possible snow. I began my snow dance right then and there. I felt terrible. Class would be cancelled if it snowed. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. It did! I did not have to go to class and good thing, because I was miserable at this point. My entire body ached, I was vomiting, I had a fever...I knew I had the flu.

Sighing, huffing, and puffing, I did finally resign to going to the ER. I knew I needed fluids. And so the real fun began. The check in lady asked me to review a piece of paper that had my name, birthdate, SSN, and address on it. I was to initial it, saying that I agreed everything on it was correct. Wouldn't you know it? I found an error. I told her that my SSN was incorrect. She informed me that couldn't be, because it was in their system. Ohhhh, it was in your system? You should have told me! That way, I would have never questioned that the SSN I've had all my life was what I thought it was. I'll spare you all the details. It was an ordeal and a half.

We made our way to the waiting area. We lucked up and sat by some college students who talked about how miserable their lives were because of what she said on Facebook about her, and how she thought he was the love of her life, but then he went and called her, and she started doubting that he was the one, and how he didn't really want to be with one girl because he was so young, but he didn't want her dating anyone else....and yak, yak, yak...oh would you three please SHUSH?!

Finally, we were called back into a room. I was drilled with questions, of which I wanted no part of. I explained that I had the flu and that I needed fluids. I was there for nothing else. They explained they were going to do some tests. I explained again that there was no need for tests. Do you think they listened?

They did the tests and finally started the IV fluids, while we waited. Some 15 minutes later, Radiology comes flying in with a mask and gown, throws a mask on me, and starts rolling me away. A very alarmed Will asked her where she was taking me. To get a chest x-ray, her test came back positive for flu!

Ok, so I am on day 6 of my fun filled adventure. I am less than well. I feel as if I will be miserable forever. I don't believe in flu shots. Not for people my age. Will I get one next year? The answer is still No. However, when I notice the floor go sideways, even a little, I will take to my bed with the quickness.

I do believe it is time for some more anti-nausea medicine. I didn't get to tell y'all about my fever shooting up so high that it caused hallucinations! Oh, and the picture that Will insisted on taking of me in the ER wearing my mask! Another day for sure...