SHE-MAN

Today, I decided to mow. Will and I usually do it as a team, but he had to play golf today. Just kidding. Will has never been the lazy type at all. We have always shared responsibilities from washing clothes to cooking. The only things he tries to get out of are unloading the dishwasher, cleaning toilets, and mopping. He hates to do those, but that is fine because I hate to put laundry away and sweep. It all balances out.

Anyway, back to mowing. Will did go golfing with some kind of media event that they have every year. I did a few errands after he left and then felt bored. I actually enjoy mowing for whatever reason and didn’t have anything else to do, so I headed out. The heat kind of took my breath away at first because it feels like it is 150 degrees outside today.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that Will has a touch of OCD. I didn’t mention that I do too about some things. One of those things is grass patterns. I do not know why, but it drives me batty if my mowing pattern gets off. I will literally mow over parts that I have already mowed in order to get back on my little pattern if I get off course. It’s crazy. I know it is.

Wait, hold everything. I just thought about something totally off the topic of mowing, but it is on the topic of OCD. Ok, so remember when I also mentioned in an earlier blog that Will doesn’t like ice? Well, a couple of weeks ago, a waiter brought a pitcher of ice to the table and started pouring it into Will’s tea. Will just about had a stroke. I’m not even kidding. He scared the poor kid half to death waving his hands around, saying, “no, no, no!” Well, we ate out the next day too because we were traveling and we got some tea to go. When we got in the car, he looked at me and then pushed down the little button that says “other” on the lid and informed me that meant it was the one with no ice and that one was his. He was traumatized from the night before and wasn’t taking any chances. I snapped the above picture to remember it, because I found it very funny. He is crazy as a loon, for real.

Sorry, back to today….I used the riding lawnmower for the majority of the yard, and here’s a little secret…I have no earthly idea how that thing works! I usually just push buttons and levers until something happens. At one point, I got stuck because Will has only told me 10,000 times not to go over that part and apparently I need to be told 10,001 times. Once I was stuck, the lawnmower just shut down.

I assessed the situation. I cranked it back up, let off the brake, and down it went again. This went on for several minutes, until I finally realized that the gear was in reverse and it won’t move if the blade is down while the mower is in reverse. I pretended like I knew that all along and continued on.

Once I was done with all I could do riding, I drug the push mower out. I love to crank it up because it makes me feel all powerful and stuff. I was also pretty impressed with myself that I remembered to push the little button thingy on the front 3 times in order to prime it. I hoped all the neighbors were watching since I got it cranked with one pull. Tawanda! (Remember, from the movie Fried Green Tomatoes?)

I actually got stuck with the pushmower once too though. It just stopped and tons of orange dirt…clay….was flying all around me. I felt like Pigpen off of Charlie Brown. I really thought it was on fire for a minute, but turns out I just ran over a clay clump. I was wondering why it was making such loud noises. I bet y’all don’t know this. You aren’t supposed to run over rocks or clay clumps. You have to be a professional lawn mower, like me, to know these kinds of things. Will taught me the rules. But, what Will doesn’t know wont hurt him, now will it?

As I mowed, I noticed several cigarette butts in various places around the yard. I could feel my blood pressure rising about this. I mean, who do these people think they are? I just can not believe the nerve. For one thing, SC is in one of the worst droughts in its history which means fires happen readily, and for another, why are they throwing trash in my yard?!

I got madder and madder about it and started glaring at all my neighbor’s houses trying to figure out who was doing this. I have decided that I will be watching each car that drives by here and I will follow anyone I see throwing anything in my yard to their house and we will have a little chat. They better be scared too, because I am a Nelson and pms week is coming up. Nelson+PMS=baaaaad.

Anyway, I felt quite an accomplishment once the yard was finished. I also found a new job…cigarette butt litterer watcher/hurter of cigarette butt litterer. It’s a dual role. It took me a long time to come up with that new job title. I am glad that it sounds so professional and official.