6 MONTHS

It’s been a while since I’ve updated. Things are progressing along. I’m getting larger by the second. I’m starting to feel Addison kick more and more. I remain sick. My newest complaint is an overwhelming desire to sleep, sleep, sleep. I am always uncomfortably exhausted. I know I don't eat right, but this is craziness. What happened to that second trimester energy burst I heard all about? Ugh!

Work continues to be a challenge, as it seems that’s where I do most of my vomiting these days. I have only gained 2.5 pounds since conception. Heartburn is also an issue, but I received some good advice from other women to try Zantac and it has helped considerably. Other pregnant women around my stage of pregnancy complain of extremity swelling, hip pain, and back pain. I am thankful that I have no issues with any of those symptoms yet. I do get headaches, but I’ll take those over back pain. I have been sick since January, and Cliff has taken care of me since that time. He has kept up with the household chores, including laundry. He is working two jobs. He makes sure Landen gets to school or day care on time and gets picked up. He makes sure Landen and I are fed. This has been his biggest challenge, because I most often refuse to eat. He still tries. He still puts some kind of food in front of me as often as he can. He has listened to daily complaints from me, and I haven’t heard him complain even once. I don’t know where he finds time to get things done, but he does. I can mention something little, such as needing a towel hook in the bathroom. He wont say anything, and I’ll notice that I have a new towel hook the next day. Today, he came home between jobs and installed a ceiling fan, then listened to me say “no” to every meal he offered, and then he cooked something anyway before he went to his second job. I am blessed to have someone who has supported me through a very difficult time. We recently went to our 20 year class reunion. Here I am on the way out the door.

Now, if anyone would have told either Cliff or myself that we would be attending our 20 year class reunion, with me carrying his child, we would have laughed and told you to go back on your meds. We were recently trying to remember how things came to be. Neither of us could. We aren’t sure how in the world we ended up becoming parents together after all these years. We agree that Addison has a purpose here on this earth and we believe we were brought together for that reason. We had a great time at the reunion and enjoyed catching up with friends who are like family to us. Addison even got to take part, as she received beach toys and Princess on Board vehicle window signs. I’m sure our classmates are also perplexed by Cliff and I. We can’t explain it. We are obviously not in control. We have had an absolute blast shopping for pink, girly stuff. I’ve already purchased her Halloween costume (a surprise), and Cliff bought her this bracelet.

She’s going to be such a diva! We finally reached a decision on bedding. Here it is.

We registered at Babies R Us (babiesrus.com), under Cindy Vandervort (Yulee, FL) or registry number 48466125. Now, that was a challenge. Neither of us had any idea of what we were doing. There are SO many decisions to be made. We did the best we could. Poor Addison. My cousin, Carrie, has recently offered to give us several items that her twins have outgrown. We are very thankful for that. I know everything will come together, but my controlling personality makes it difficult for me to relax. I want things done and organized now, even though we still have 15 weeks to go. I am trying to get out more, but it is so difficult for me. I would rather stay home, and on my couch when I am not working. I’ve been off for the last two days and I’ve done nothing but sleep. It’s a miserable existence. I’ve been to the beach a couple times recently. The first trip, you can see by the picture that I was pretty miserable.

I did better on the second trip, which was at night with my nieces.

And Cliff, Landen, and I made a day trip last weekend. I did even better then. I hate that I’ve had such a difficult pregnancy and have complained so much. I know that Addison will be more than worth every symptom. I want to put this bible verse somewhere in her nursery. I believe it is quite fitting.

My next ultrasound is on 7/10. I have a fear that they will say she has turned into a he! I’m really worried about it, and Cliff makes fun of me. I recently had to do a bunch of (unnecessary) testing, related to my sinus tachycardia. Everything came back normal, except for a borderline low TSH (thyroid) level. They will watch it. I was a really bad patient and was over a month late in getting all the testing completed. One of the tests included saving urine for 24 hours. That was Cliff’s favorite part. It was quite disgusting. I enrolled Addison in a Dr. Seuss book club. Cliff and I both love to read, so I hope that she will too. I have figured out that she is a night owl like Cliff. She likes to do karate at night while I’m trying to sleep. I wonder if she will be grouchy like me in the mornings or calm and laid back like Cliff. I feel that she will have most of Cliff’s physical features, due to the Asian gene. We want to have a 4D ultrasound once I’m further along. That will allow us to get a broad idea of her physical characteristics. I can’t wait. I'm thinking of scheduling it at 30 weeks, which will be the first week in August. My current craving is chocolate milk. I remember that I thought I would never, ever drink chocolate milk again, as the mere thought of it would make me gag. Now, I love it. I also crave most fruit. Cliff and I can eat an entire cantaloupe in one sitting. Other than that, I can’t think of any real cravings. I don’t have the pregnancy glow either. I look like a sick version of Casper really. I know this is related to the months and months of sickness. I look very scary on my days off, because brushing my hair is just not important anymore. It barely gets done on the days I have to work. My co-workers continue to be very helpful and do all of my lifting and squatting. I can no longer get back up once I have squatted down! One or two of the nurses have offered to do things that they know would make me gag, such as emptying colostomy bags or collecting sputum samples. That means a lot to me. I can make it 15 more weeks. I think I can, I think I can...

18/19 WEEKS-BOY OR GIRL?

For my non-facebook friends and family...we now know the gender of this baby! Although the baby got very shy and did not want us to find out right away. Here is a picture of him or her covering their little face.

Here is a picture of a tiny foot.

My youngest niece Emily got to witness the live reveal. Here she is with Cliff at the doctor's office.

It's a...

GIRL!!!!!!! A beautiful little girl! And her name is...

Addison Raine McClanathan. My middle name is Lorraine. Emily has my middle name and Addison has a shortened version of it. I felt that the first baby I lost was a little girl. I felt it from the time I knew I was pregnant. I named her Isabella Raine, so the name Raine is special to me. I wanted her first name to be a unisex name. People might prefer to call her Addi for short and that's ok with us. We are THRILLED that she is a girl. Aunt Kelli also came to the reveal.

We were shopping in the hospital gift shop before the appointment. I saw a little ruffled outfit and I knew deep down that I was going to be a little disappointed if it was a boy. I couldn't see myself not buying pink, bows, ruffles, and pearls! We have already bought her a few outfits and my parents have bought some as well. She's quite the princess already.

Ignore the Kotex on the top shelf, as my mother would like me to be prepared after the birth. LOL. I'm sure I'll do the same for Addison one day. See the two outfits on the far left? Those are boy outfits that we bought when I first found out I was pregnant. I'll donate them to someone. Emily helped pick out a toy for Addison after the appointment.

She also got to surprise Granny and Grandpa by having them shut their eyes and then laying pink outfits in their laps.

She is a very healthy baby, currently measuring right at the 50th percentile. She weighs 10 ounces. Her Mama is still very sick and still in the negative on the weight gain. I was told to eat high calorie/high fat foods. Psh. If I could, I would. Grr...doctors. We can now focus on decorating the nursery! I'm leaning towards a pink and green scheme. Something similiar to this.

I break down when I see pictures of nurseries before the baby has arrived and then pictures of the baby in the nursery. It kills me! I will probably fall out when I get to put Addison in her little nursery for the first time! She will know her Mama is crazy right then and there. LOL! I'm also currently obsessed with finding her an outfit to come home in!

I'm getting to be huge! I have a lot of difficulty standing after a squatting position at work and I'm a very grouchy and whiny sleeper now. I can't get comfortable and I'm looking for one of those pillows they make for pregnant women. My only other complaint is the extreme nausea, all day/every day, and the vomiting. Not cool. I am also a BIG fan of tums now.

We went to see the movie, What to Expect When You're Expecting. There is a character named Wendy. SHE IS ME! Totally me. In short, it took a while for her to get pregnant and that's all she wanted. After she got pregnant, she began to understand that it's not all smiles for every woman. It's a good movie. I hope that the next 4.5 months fly by. I feel like I've been pregnant for a decade. But, I know she'll be worth it. This is my song to Addison. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-Xpt1SxDJw

17/18 WEEKS

I haven't been in a hurry to update the blog, because there isn't much new. I will find out the sex on 5/22...finally! I'm still sick. I still weigh less than before I got pregnant. I still hate food. Same 'ol, same 'ol. I was recently at Publix. There was a very pregnant lady in the line in front of me. She was beautiful. She was tan, had make up on, hair was done, but worst of all...she was smiling and laughing with the cashier! I seriously wanted to ram her heels with my buggy. How dare she feel well and look fabulous while I had to lean on the buggy to keep from passing out and looked like the beast off Beauty and the Beast! UGH!!! At that same Publix, this little dude asked me if I wanted to sample some sushi. Oh my goodness. It was all I could do not to knock his sushi table apart with my buggy. It probably should be illegal to give a sick, pregnant woman a buggy. Really. It's bad enough the fruit is right by the seafood so I have to smell it while I'm trying to shop, but for him to be so bold as to ask me if I wanted to try some...that was craziness on his part. Oh, I just smiled and said, "no, thank you", but that's not what my mind was thinking! I'm not sure what to do about the lack of desire to eat food. Imagine your favorite food. Go ahead. A lot of you might say pizza. Now imagine that you are starving and someone puts hot pizza in front of you. It smells great. It looks great. Now imagine that someone pours a combination of vinegar and vomit on it. Would you still eat it? No, you wouldn't. Welcome to my world. I'm actually throwing up more here lately than ever before. I have wondered, without trying to be a drama queen, if I was even going to make it at times. Seriously. I've lost two children and there is just no getting over that. No way, shape, or form. Not possible. It makes a person paranoid. My only request to God is that he take me too if something happened and the baby wasn't going to make it this time. But, I've had these weird nightmares where I don't make it, but the baby is healthy and can't get out. HOW MORBID IS THAT???? I'm going crazy, people. Let's move on to nicer things. I got my first Mother's Day gift. Pretty, huh?

A lot of people told me Happy Mother's Day and that felt pretty surreal. My co-workers have been a big help, especially my techs. They wont let me lift anyone! I do appreciate the help and the concern. I really do. But, it stinks to have lost some independence. My poor co-workers have also had to endure some attitude. I get up at 430am, I throw up, I try to eat, I can't, I lay down several times while getting dressed, I gag on the ride to work, I throw up at work, and I hear this from person after person after person..."Are you feeling any better yet?" I'm already not a morning person. I don't even like people talking to me that early. Add in the sickness and the repetition and it gets scary. By the time that 5th person asks me, I'm ready to scream, "I'M STILL SICK! CAN'T YOU TELL???" But, I don't. I do start saying, "no" and walking off though. That's rude of me. I can't help it. We aren't supposed to be talking about the sickness, huh? Nicer things. Ummmmm....ah, I have a nursery now! A room I can actually call a nursery. I moved into a 3 bedroom home. That is a relief. I was starting to wonder if I was going to have to put the baby in a drawer like they did in the old days. I'll end with this email I received from my cousin, Bryan Cribbs. It made me laugh, but I think there is some revenge to be had here. Cindy, I saw your blog pic today. You’re casting a mighty big shadow. Might want to make sure move around regularly while standing in the yard so all the grass gets equal amounts of sun. Love you -- BRYAN

16 WEEKS

First things first. I don't know the sex yet. I am considering going to a private US next week. They like you to be at least 16 weeks, which I am today. I am getting more and more anxious to know! Over the past week, I've had some days of nausea relief. Actually, not whole days, but hours at least. It is an improvement. My aversion to food is still here. I can't stand food. I don't like the way it looks, smells, or tastes. Last night, I ate a decent amount of supper. I was feeling pretty well. I woke up in the middle of the night very sick and have been sick since. I'm not sure if it was related to me finally eating, or if the sickness just wanted to assure me that it has not left. I'm definitely showing more and more. I finally broke down and bought some maternity scrubs. My patients have started to recognize that I am pregnant and many of them will lecture me about lifing, working too much, not eating, etc. Reversed roles. Not sure I like it. I am planning to work right up until delivery so I am sure I will be as big as a house walking the floors of the hospital. I found a house to rent. I am very anxious to begin working on the nursery. I feel like I'm running out of time to get things ready and I'm only 4 months along. There are just SO many things that have to be purchased. It's overwhelming. I am currently on the lookout for a baby book. But, I think I'd rather wait until I know the sex so I can make it gender themed. Maybe I should've already purchased a baby book. I'm not sure. I've never had the need to open one. Until next time...

15 WEEKS

If you think I look sick in the picture above, it's because I WAS! Ugh! But, I'm now 15 weeks and 3 days and I am not nauseated at this particular moment in time. Today is the first day I've woken up without nausea since January. This is huge. I'm not going to say anything else. I might jinx it.

I went for my appointment with the specialist. That was a strange experience. But, we got some really good US pictures.





One of the pictures appears to show some thumb sucking!

The tech did not try very hard to figure out the sex, but said she had no hints from the pictures. My next appointment is at the end of May so I am considering paying for a private US next week. I don't think I can wait any longer!

The physician told me, "Your eggs are SO old. They are so old that they were there in your Mama's womb." To which I replied, "Your Mama is SO ugly. She's so ugly that..." Ok, I didn't say that. But, he did! His point was that my age puts me at a higher risk of delivering a baby with a birth defect. They tested for Down Syndrome by taking measurements of the baby and looking for a nasal bone. Everything was normal. Then they stuck my finger and took about 8 circles of blood which was sent to a lab to test for cystic fibrosis and who knows what else. They called me Friday to tell me everything came back negative.

I guess this little cardiac issue of mine will be monitored closely, and my kidneys as well since the two go hand in hand. In a month, they will do an anatomy scan of the baby and in two months they will study the cardiac system of the baby.

I had an appointment with my regular ob/gyn Thursday. I asked if I REALLY needed to see both doctor's. They said I do. I strongly disagree and feel that this is most likely a money making scheme. But, I'll be a good patient and play along. We finally got to hear the heartbeat at both appointments.

Hopefully, next time I write, I will be able to let you know if I'm buying bows and ruffles or baseball caps and blue!

14 WEEKS

Ok, I am huge. I mean, really. I weighed myself today and I am still in the negative. However, I look as if I am 7 months pregnant. Oh well.

I went back to work the first week in April and it has been a struggle. I remain as sick as ever. Over the last couple of days though, I've noticed that I'm able to eat more food than just one bite. I am hoping that my appetite is returning. I am still taking Zofran, but I'm not sure why. I threw up after taking it this morning. It just doesn't work. Nothing does. It is what it is.

What is the deal with maternity clothes? I don't understand. Someone, please help me here. Panties. Bras. Is the government hiding them in some secret locale? I can't find them. I tried buying humongous granny panties. The whole butt sags! I need real maternity panties!

I looked at a few bathing suits today. They look like moo-moo's. I don't understand why maternity clothes are so ugly. I really don't. Anyone who can give me some advice on where to find some better maternity clothes, fill me in!

Anytime I buy something for myself, I look to see if the baby "needs" something. I found this little lamb on sale for $4 today--Easter clearance. Cute, huh? I figure it will go well in the crib or somewhere in the nursery.



I want to buy little baby clothes, but I am holding out for the sex of the baby. We have bought a few outfits though. Oh, my appointment on 4/9 got changed to 4/17. I couldn't get out of work. I am hoping that they will be able to tell me the sex, but when I asked on the phone they said they would not be able to tell that day. I will be almost 15 weeks. I hope they will at least try.

The baby will be a couple of weeks old this Halloween, so he/she "needs" a costume! Aren't these cute?





Of course, I will wait and see what the sex is before I buy anything.

Because I have been so sick, I have been unable to focus on reality. I can't believe that I am almost 4 months pregnant already. But, then again, I feel like I have been sick for a lifetime. This Christmas I will have a 2 month old. Crazy!

I made some decisions today. I will be informing the doctor at my next visit. I will have a scheduled c-section and the baby and I will be going home a few hours after they close me up. Ha! I really dread being a patient. I seriously don't see the need to stay in the hospital. I can check my own blood pressure, and take care of my own incision. If I need fluids, I can run a manual drip at home!

Random thought. Willis is going to learn to cry like the baby. I wonder if I will be able to tell them apart. Willis is 8 and will live to be in his 70's so the baby will truly always have him in his/her life. Weird.

I am convinced that I am having a giant. Cliff was 8lb 1 oz. I weighed 7lb 4 oz. They will be measuring the baby on the 17th and I fully expect them to say...you are having the biggest baby ever on record. It will not surprise me. THAT is why I have been so sick!

I've gone from falling asleep before my head hits the pillow to not being able to sleep at all. Like, at all. I know I am supposed to have training for not sleeping due to newborn demands. However, isn't it a bit early???

We are thinking about crib shopping soon. I'd like to get some of the more expensive items out of the way. We will have to move out of the apartment before our lease runs out. It runs out the month I am due. I want to be established somewhere and have the nursery set up. I will be stressed to the max if we try to wait until October. I am already wanting to set up the basics of the nursery and start putting clothes in the baby's closet.

Until next time...

12 WEEKS

People, I look like death. I'm not kidding. The blood vessels in my head are popped from vomiting. I am exhausted from dealing with sickness day in and day out. And I have to return to work Tuesday. I could ask for more time, but I can't afford it.

Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled about the baby! I know I am blessed. But, hear me now. I NEVER WANT TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN! I will be more than grateful for this one gift. It has been terrible. To be so sick for 3 months straight, with no relief in sight...it gets to ya.

What keeps me going is watching the US video. I just love it. I don't think we could have gotten a better view of that precious little baby dancing around in there. I could watch it all day.

If this baby is a girl, I want her to look back on this blog and understand that she may be sick too and to keep fighting. I can't wait for the day when I can post that the nausea is gone. If it's a boy, maybe he will need this blog to help his wife fight through. I don't know if morning sickness/all day sickness is hereditary, but I sure would feel terrible passing this on.

Food is just gross. It is hard to describe, but the taste of ALL food is metallic. Nothing tastes good. Nothing. If I don't eat, I feel guilty that I'm not feeding the baby. If I do eat, it's torture to get the food down and then the sickness is ten fold. I've lost 5 pounds total since conceiving. I've read that some women lose a lot more, so I should be thankful.

I keep reading that all of this may magically disappear once the second trimester hits. I am SO counting on it. It is all I can think about. I have one more week.

I stopped the progesterone pills a few days early to try and find some relief. None found. I haven't had any bleeding since stopping the pills so keep praying that the baby will remain healthy.

My next appointment is 4/9. That is the one where they will be looking for birth defects or genetic abnormalities, and to probably lecture me about my heart. Maybe we will find out the sex!

I can't tell you how guilty I feel complaining about being pregnant after it has been all I've wanted. But, being this sick for this long will make anybody depressed. Imagine the last time you were really nauseated. Now blow that up times ten and feel it 24/7 for 3 months straight. That is my world.

I was going crazy yesterday because I've been cooped up inside this small apartment. I was determined to get out. I went to the beach for about 30 minutes and then to Winn-Dixie. By the time I made it to Winn-Dixie I was in non-function mode. The feeling is kind of like if I move an eyelash, my body will turn on its projectile vomiting signal. Vomiting provides no relief either. It seems to accelerate the nausea into overdrive.

I've had lots of good advice. I've tried most everything. I think that this is just part of it. There is no cure, because it's just how it is. I'm half crazy right now, but I am strong. I know that this will all eventually be a memory and once I hold that baby, I know I will say that I would do it for him/her all over again.